ColumnsPaul Stokes

Guest column - AN IMPORTANT MESSAGE FROM DAVE HILL (not the guy who is not in Slade, which is bullshit by Dave Hill)

ColumnsPaul Stokes

US comedian Dave Hill is on his way to our shores again this autumn for a book release and a bit of the old stand-up malarkey. One problem: the tide of disappointed Slade fans he has to keep consoling at every date he does. So in the spirit of a rock'n'roll public service announcement we let Dave Hill (the non glam rock one) set the record straight... sort of.

Hi, my name is Dave Hill and the Q people invited me to write a guest column type thing for their popular website, which is great for me and - I'm hoping - for you, the reader too (though, to be fair, the internet is still a wildly experimental thing that could totally burst into flames and kill us all at any time, so apologies in advance if things end up going south - which is to say killing you - as you read this).

Anyway, before I get too far into things, I realize it is at this point that - what with this being a UK-based operation and all - you are probably thinking "Oh, cool, Q finally landed the guitar player from Slade. Not sure how they managed it, but either way this is incredible news for everyone and far be it from to question things." And while no one wishes I were in Slade more than I do (as long as we're sort of on the topic, Noddy, if you are reading this, I would join Slade in a heartbeat as long as you are involved. My hair will never be as awesome as the original Dave Hill from Slade, though - that's just science and there's nothing I can do about it really. I have come to accept this over time. That said, I will do my damndest to make sure my hair is the very best it can be at all Slade-related times. You have my word on this), the fact is that I am a different Dave Hill, an American one even, which is why I talk this way.

Now that I've addressed the elephant in the room, let's talk about me, Dave Hill, from before. For starters, despite the bullshitty reality that - even three paragraphs into this whole thing - I am still not in Slade, I do rock with authority, so much, in fact, that my pants are getting tighter with each second as I type this. It's actually kind of ridiculous. I should probably seek medical attention. That said, I realise that those of you in the UK who might possibly have heard of me before and are not still confusing me for the guitar player from Slade know me primarily as a comedian as I have come to your shores many times these past couples years to perform my popular nightclub act, drink as much as the cops will let me, try to make out with anyone within arm's reach (as well as anyone within arm's reach of them), and hopefully even stay at your house if everything goes as planned.

I'm still having trouble figuring out the toilets and I'm sorry for any trouble I have caused with them in the past. Also, I'm still looking for answers as to exactly why I woke up in the bushes on Hampstead Heath covered from head to toe with duct tape and soaked in mine and apparently several other people's urine this past February in the late afternoon. But other than those minor bumps in the road, I just wanted to say I really like the United Kingdom a whole lot (Yes, even you, Wales! You can do it!).

I am particularly excited to return to the UK this fall, as this time I will be doing so as a celebrated and really important author, at least that's the plan anyway. My first book, Tasteful Nudes:... And Other Misguided Attempts At Personal Growth And Validation - already considered to be a literary masterpiece by me and a several other people I know in the United States already - will finally be released on your shores this 22 October thanks to Belly Kids, an underground operation run by a secret society of mole people who are also in league with Satan (or at least that's what I choose to believe anyway) when not publishing books and stuff. I am really excited about having my book come out in the UK because - for starters - English was invented there and- aside from a few words here and there - my entire book is typed in that language.

Between that and the fact that you have Nando's over there, I feel like I am fulfilling my destiny, one that was not only handed down to me by that guy at the bus station but also - I would like to think - the gods (which is to say all the guy at the station's friends). Anyway, according to Wikipedia, Nando's is "a South African casual dining restaurant group originating from the Mozambiquan-Portuguese community with a Portuguese-Mozambican theme". I, however, tend to think of it as a delicious chicken-based restaurant that, for whatever reason, I am technically "not allowed into" after "what happened" but don't plan on "letting that stop me." Also, if you don't want me napping in the women's toilet, then get some proper labels on the door, goddammit! That's a message for everyone, by the way, not just those bastards in the legal department at Nando's.

It is at this point that I feel like I might be getting sidetracked. I guess what I am really trying to say is that if anyone wants to fight, I am going to be appearing at the Leicester Square Theatre in London Oct. 12 and 13. Also, I have naked pictures of Pippa Middleton. Or they might be of Boris Johnson. I'm not sure, really. We were both really hammered. See you soon, Dave Hill @MrDaveHill

For more on Dave's book head to the mole people's website at Bellykids.bigcartel.com. The real - sorry other - Dave Hill can be found here.