Couldn’t get a ticket for this year’s Glastonbury? Not to worry, the BBC will beam the best bits into your telly/ handheld device/mind, for free. Of course, staying at home does lack that frisson of danger you get at the world’s most lawless cultural event. So in order to reintroduce an edgy, anything-can-happen buzz, why not “pitch your tent” (large duvet and robust stick) in the living room and drink yourself to the brink of fun by playing The Official Q Magazine Televised Glastonbury Drinking Game? JJ Dunning @jj_dunning
1. Be safe: keep a space blanket, a flask of made-up Robinson’s and a pack of Rich Tea on hand AT ALL TIMES. The Official Q Magazine Televised Glastonbury Drinking Game is not a joke!
2. All “rounds” are active concurrently. Like the real Glastonbury, there is no respite.
3. Take it easy: we don’t want anybody overdoing it and waking up in the recycling bin.
4. Realism is key: if possible, obtain the use of a 3D TV for the weekend. Proper friends won’t mind if it comes back spattered with mystery liquids. They’ll understand.
5. Be alert: it may be tempting to throw things at musicians/presenters you don’t like, but remember, you’re not at the festival. (It may be worth posting reminders around the house, just in case you forget.)
6. Tweet your progress: #QGlastoTV will keep you in touch with fellow front-roomers.
ROUND ONE: DRINK WHEN YOU HEAR SOMEONE SAY...
- “...is this your first Glastonbury?”
- “...the size of a small city.”
- “...there was a moment when the sun came out during their/your set that made it truly magical.”
- “...of course, 2017 will be a fallow year.”
- “…up in the Stone Circle at sunrise.”
ALSO: Any discussion, or reference to a discussion, about Kanye’s legitimacy as a headliner. Any mention of “purists” (as in, “festival purists”) or “folklore” (as in, “festival folklore”). ANY statistic.
ROUND TWO: DRINK WHEN THEY’RE ON SCREEN
- Any member of the Eavis family.
- Tony Benn (RIP).
- Smiley showbiz reporter
- Lizo Mzimba (drink double if he is interviewing daft punters waiting at the front of the Pyramid Stage pre-10am).
- Nile Rodgers.
- Kim Kardashian.
ROUND THREE: TECHNICAL GREMLINS: DRINK IF YOU SPOT...
- An unnaturally long pause while Mark Radcliffe waits to be told that he’s live on air.
- Production crew cut to wrong camera during performance.
- Any clip-on mic problem. Eg, excessive rustling, or substitute mic.
- Introduction of VT, which then fails to roll, leading to awkward sofa-based non-chat.
- Any mention of the phrase “technical gremlins”.
ROUND FOUR: CAMERA CUTAWAYS: DRINK IF YOU SEE...
- Water dripping off something.
- View from the Park Stage down the hill.
- Young woman, with painted face, on friend’s shoulders going, “Woo!”
- Camera lens with raindrops on fading to blurred screen.
- St John’s Ambulance staff doing rubbish dancing or some policemen “joining in”.
- Homemade flag with amusing design – eg, pants/sausage/ a sausage in pants.
ROUND FIVE: THE WEATHER, DRINK IF...
- It’s sunny.
- It’s raining.
- It’s inclement.
- It’s fair.
- It’s snowing
For the full broadcast schedule head to BBC.co.uk – though naturally they don't endorse this kind of behaviour...