Guest Column – The Grownups Guide To Boredom Alleviation by Liam Hayes

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Plush man Liam Hayes returns with his fourth album Slurrup – the second under his actual name – on 12 January (followed by a show at London’s Servant Jazz Quarters a day later 13). Our friends MOJO have an exclusive stream of Fokus from the record which can listen to now, but for us he’s written Q a Guest Column. An excerpt from his “forthcoming (fictional) novel”, The Grownups Guide To Boredom Alleviation, while we await the release of his album here’s a few suggestions for how to keep yourself entertained without resorting to the internet.

I’m furiously finishing the final album artwork for Slurrup and It feels like I’m emptying out the contents of part of my brain. I have to restrain myself from getting too sentimental or too weird. I keep asking myself: is it Slurrup enough? Who cares?

Isn’t that the idea: not being too overly concerned and just letting different things fall into place. Perhaps, but this record seems to repel anything that’s incongruent with its personality. It has a mind of its own. As soon as I dropped some cute pictures into the layout, It demanded ugly ones. Incidentally, this helped turn an unsolicited, unremitting subscription to a silly golf magazine into a positive thing. Lemons into lemonade. Golf magazines, via scissors, into collage art.

At the time that I was asked to write a piece for Q, I had been putting together ideas for a book about dealing with boredom. I wanted to call it A Grownup’s Guide To Boredom Alleviation. I saw it as a way to entertain one’s self with just a pen and paper and thereby step away from the hypnotic and ever watchful “electric aunties” or “digital angels” – the machines which simultaneously engender and mask the boredom that they’re causing. Here are a few ideas to help get you started.

Car Names

Auto manufacturers try to make their cars seem “hi-tech” by attaching cryptic model numbers to them. They also use names of vicious animals; names that sound like prescription medications, and the names of rugged or ritzy, locales to make their products seem alluring and exciting. Try creating unique car names with the many words that sit unused by the auto industry. Imagine driving a Chrysler Wherewithal, Interloper, Euphemism, or Laconic (Luxury Edition). You can also draw upon a wealth of possibilities if you open your mind to prescription drugs. What about a Nissan Celebrex, Ford Cialas or KIA Zoloft? Ask your doctor which conveyances are right for you.

Websites

Think of an activity or image that you wouldn’t normally associate with the business of running a government and then add a government extension to it.

Examples:

www.gamblemore.gov
www.playblackjack.gov
www.gluesniffingrenaissance.gov
www.poniestipsheet.gov
www.polygamy.gov

Try coming up with a few more.

Songs

Sing a normally upbeat song in a low, slow, sad and defeated monotone voice.

Suggestions:
I’m So Excited by The Pointer Sisters
Jet by Paul McCartney and Wings
Don’t Stop by Fleetwood Mac
Cool it Now by Bell, Biv, Devoe

Come up with some of your own.

Movies

Imagine you’re a producer of Beach Movies like Beach Blanket Bingo, but it’s not the 60s and you’re not in California. Instead it’s the 90s and you’re shooting in Seattle. Surf’s not up, and your cast is comprised of sullen and angry grunge dudes.

Come up with fun titles. Here are a few:

“Beach Blanket Agony”
“Atrophy Beach Party”
“How to Stuff a Flannel Bikini”

There are no more left. Sorry.

Grocery List

Create a shopping list with products that you’d like to see (but don’t exist……yet).

Banana infused Clorox Bleach
Cool Ranch Craisins
Dead stock flavored Jell-0 Pudding Pops
Oven cleaner on a rope
Pizza scented Glade Plug-ins
Mountain Dew flavored toothpaste
Pre-masticated Hamburger Helper
Ben and Jerry’s “Mindswirl” Celebrex marble fudge ice cream
NyQuil enhanced Gatorade

I hope you found this to be somewhat enjoyable.
Liam Hayes @LiamHayesPlush

For more head to Liamhayesandplush.com.